Feeling Loss Surrounding Big Moments
Ever taken a boy home for the first time to meet your family and friends after over a year and a half of dating? No? You didn’t live through COVID? Weird… I’ve also never taken a boy home in general!
This Thursday, I will officially be taking my boyfriend home to Chicago to meet my mom, best friends, grandparents, and other important players in my life. I’m eager, but I’m also sad.
I’m eager for him to become fully integrated into my life. Of course, he practically already is as we’ve known each other since September of 2019, but this is a giant step in our relationship. We have plans together and we talk about the future. Yet, because of a global pandemic, he hasn’t met some of the people closest to me.
Better yet, or more like worse, he’ll never meet my father. I anticipate, no, I know, there will be a hole in my heart the moment we touch down at O’Hare International Airport. My dad won’t be waiting at the end of the escalator by baggage claim to greet me with a hug and properly shake my boyfriend’s hand for the first time.
Today is Father’s Day, fitting for this entry, yeah? Days like these typically aren’t that difficult for me. This is the third Father’s Day without my dad in the picture and I’m fine. I’ve gone about my day just like any other Sunday.
It’s moments where my dad should be present that really get to me. He died by suicide on March 15, 2018, and this is the first big moment in my personal life where I’m already feeling the loss of his presence. I’ve lived my life to the fullest since he passed, as he would have wanted, but this upcoming weekend feels strange.
My dad will never know the love of my life, and my boyfriend will only know my dad through the memories and stories I share with him. So, all I can do is continue to be a storyteller. Not only to my boyfriend but to the kids I’ll have someday. Honestly, to people who don’t even ask, too.
I miss my dad, and I know I’ll miss him immensely the second I walk off that plane on Thursday — if you’re reading this, please pray we don’t get delayed (nightmare). We’ll listen to music he would have played in the car with us, we’ll go to some of his favorite spots around my hometown, and we’ll pass his home where he passed.
I’ll stop by the cemetery on his birthday, which happens to be the day after mine. I’ll drive by places where we shared amazing memories. I’ll do my best to feel his presence from up above.
“If I keep holding out will the light shine through?
Under this broken roof, it’s only rain that I feel
I’ve been wishing out the days. Come back
I’ll be here.” — Pearl Jam
