Start Stomping — The Invasive Spotted Lanternfly is En Route
The SLF (Spotted Lanternfly) is not cute. I hate when people call the new insect “beautiful.” It’s disgusting, invasive, and eating our plants. The NY Post even described them as “sex-crazed.”
I first discovered SLF last summer when I was waiting for the Jitney on Lexington and 59th Street across from the giant Bloomingdales. These insects I had never seen before were all over the place. Landing on people’s backs, huddled together near the air-conditioned doors, and literally not giving a fuck. I’d compare them to a delirious homeless man on Fulton Street with his dick in one hand and the other reaching out to you for petty cash or a cigarette. These suckers think the world is their oyster — and for the ones that live in NYC, I’m hoping the rats take it up with them. As we all know, rats actually do run this city, despite what the dedicated czar says.
As an anxious 20-something Jewish girl, I immediately took to the internet to investigate. What the fuck are these freaky bugs that think they can get all up in my face? Anyway, I learned that they came from Asia (specifically, China), and the only way they’ll slow down is by the actions of human beings — they have no true indigenous predators in the U.S. Why can’t the pigeons eat them during the day and the rats eat them at night? I don’t get it — problem solved.
A few weeks after the Jitney debacle, my partner and I were walking home from a workout class. When we returned, we discovered SLF had followed us inside the apartment by housing itself on my boyfriend’s back. How could they? Not cool. As I said earlier, these SLF don’t give a fuck. Naturally, I panicked and ran out of the apartment while I left my partner inside with that nasty thing to do the one thing I was afraid to do: stomp on it.
Listen, these SLF’s are harmless to humans — they don’t sting or bite. They’re just out here disrespecting everyone’s boundaries and killing our crops. But there is something about them that terrifies me. I don’t like being touched, especially without being asked, and larger bugs terrify me in general.
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Enter summer 2023. Not a single fully grown insect has been spotted this year, but I receive a message from a friend: “Omg Betsy!!!! We have three baby lanternflys in our home I am freaking out!” That text, that text right there, is when I spiraled. It took me months to overcome my phobia after last summer. There was a time when I would not, could not, look up from the ground while walking outside. Constantly checking my clothes before entering my home. Ensuring our windows stayed closed (despite needing fresh air) to keep them out. Now, these tendencies have returned. I haven’t seen one yet, but according to NBC New York, they’re coming to the city early and fast.
So, I ask you to do what I’m too frightened to do: kill them. Listen to the officials, and don’t let their “beautiful wings” fool you. They are evil, invading our personal space and gravitating toward farms and vineyards as a food source (yes, that includes wineries!). I pledge to you all to do my part this summer and stomp on these vile insects and scrape any eggs I see with a sharp edge (like a credit card — thanks for the tip, NBC New York), but I can’t promise I won’t be terrified and disgusted doing it.
SLF only exists on the East Coast (for now), so ideally, I’d move, but I think I’m stuck here. My partner says letting a bug decide where we live isn’t really valid. I guess I understand.
